Of bridal gowns and anal sex...

I was out for an early-morning run (about 7 a.m.) ten years ago when I was stopped by a red light at the corner of Bloor Street and Avenue Road in downtown Toronto. A casually but decently dressed man in his 20s walked up to me asking if I had the time. As I looked down at my watch, he continued to walk right into me so that he could "accidentally" grab my crotch. He got a really good feel too; I was wearing tight black Lycra pants with no underwear. He laughed and kept walking.

I was horrified and shocked but managed to turn and scream at him, telling him he'd burn in hell and all that. His delighted, proud face smiling back at me is still seared into my mind. He was completely unaffected by my outrage.

I went into the nearby hotel, called the cops and was asked to come in to look at mug shots a few months later.

Since my mother was driving me to the police station (I don't have a car and the location was somewhat remote for public transit), I decided to bring along the wedding magazines I had pouring over in preparation for my then-upcoming wedding. Sitting in the waiting room nestled up against my mother, I flipped the magazine open and we both started to peruse. As they tend to do, the magazine seemed to want to open to a particular page. On this page was a bride bent over forward, with her full-length white tulle skirt flipped up over her head. A man dressed like a groom was giving her anal sex.

I was looking at this with my 55-year-old mother in a police station.

I immediately slammed the magazine closed and tried to catch my breath. As my mother reeled, I quickly figured out and explained that my beloved fiance had been out with his best bud for beers the night before and they had clearly decided to colour-print some bridal porn for a joke and carefully paste in into the magazine. My mother immediately launched into me with, "You don't DO that with him, DO YOU???" I said, "Noooo, mother." She said, "Maybe he's trying to TELL you something, like, maybe he wants to DO that TO YOU." She then launched into a tirade she had previously unleashed on me once before when I was a teen. She said, "If he wants you to do that, you just tell him to buy a dildo and you'll stick it up his ass and if he likes it then maybe you'll try it!"

Did I mention this was all going on in a police station?

And so that's my story about a crotch grab, bridal gowns and anal sex.

PS- my husband thinks this practical joke couldn't possibly have had a more entertaining outcome.